Dispatches from Brazil - Open Letter to the Airline Industry
Dear Airline
In consideration of the services you provide to those of us suffering from Wander Lust, I wish to provide you with some observations based on my extensive use of your services in Economy Class.
1 – No children under 18 should permitted on any flight for any reason. If you take only one of my suggestions, this should be to one you should choose
Really.
Please?
Pretty please?
OK. If not an outright ban, can you at least put them in the cargo bay? Thanks!
2 – Those wishing to join the mile high club should do so in the privacy of the lavatory. Not in the seat right in front of me. I don’t care how discrete you think you are – I can HEAR IT, so cut it out!
3 – Speaking of lavatories, how about separating them by gender? Hovering over a urine drenched toilet while bouncing around in turbulence is very hard. Also, I believe that I speak for all women when I say that we prefer not to stand in piss when using the facilities. Please address.
4 – First class should be located at the rear of the plane, so that us poor folk don’t have to walk by the more fortunate and think very nasty thoughts about them and suppress the very strong desire to whack them with our carry-on. Everybody feels this way, no?
5 – Leg room should be allocated democratically. Those with long legs get more legroom.
5A – No short people should be allowed in the bulkhead rows (that’s that very roomy row up front where the short people seem to ALWAYS be seated). You may wish to employ a system akin to that used in amusement park lines, by providing the flight crew with a yardstick. Since I’m pretty sure yardsticks are very inexpensive, please arrange for implementation right away. Yardstick may be used to pry apart the transgressors in item #2.
6 – Individuals should have to prove to ground crew that they are capable of lifting their carry on above their head. If they can’t, the luggage must be checked. If they give the crew attitude, they should be checked along with their luggage, next to all the children (see item #1)
7 – Fat people must purchase 2 seats – because really, I don’t like to subsidize their air travel by taking fat spillage over to my seat (a seat that I - not them- paid for). Should this be too politically incorrect, feel free to bump me over to first class and we’ll forget all about this little inconvenience. I’m fairly confident that this solution is agreeable with all my fellow Economy Class travelers.
8 – Please provide your flight crew with better training on how to operate the food and beverage cart. I would prefer they refrain from using my shoulder as a guardrail.
Please feel free to contact me so that we can discuss these points in great detail. I look forward to working with you.
In consideration of the services you provide to those of us suffering from Wander Lust, I wish to provide you with some observations based on my extensive use of your services in Economy Class.
1 – No children under 18 should permitted on any flight for any reason. If you take only one of my suggestions, this should be to one you should choose
Really.
Please?
Pretty please?
OK. If not an outright ban, can you at least put them in the cargo bay? Thanks!
2 – Those wishing to join the mile high club should do so in the privacy of the lavatory. Not in the seat right in front of me. I don’t care how discrete you think you are – I can HEAR IT, so cut it out!
3 – Speaking of lavatories, how about separating them by gender? Hovering over a urine drenched toilet while bouncing around in turbulence is very hard. Also, I believe that I speak for all women when I say that we prefer not to stand in piss when using the facilities. Please address.
4 – First class should be located at the rear of the plane, so that us poor folk don’t have to walk by the more fortunate and think very nasty thoughts about them and suppress the very strong desire to whack them with our carry-on. Everybody feels this way, no?
5 – Leg room should be allocated democratically. Those with long legs get more legroom.
5A – No short people should be allowed in the bulkhead rows (that’s that very roomy row up front where the short people seem to ALWAYS be seated). You may wish to employ a system akin to that used in amusement park lines, by providing the flight crew with a yardstick. Since I’m pretty sure yardsticks are very inexpensive, please arrange for implementation right away. Yardstick may be used to pry apart the transgressors in item #2.
6 – Individuals should have to prove to ground crew that they are capable of lifting their carry on above their head. If they can’t, the luggage must be checked. If they give the crew attitude, they should be checked along with their luggage, next to all the children (see item #1)
7 – Fat people must purchase 2 seats – because really, I don’t like to subsidize their air travel by taking fat spillage over to my seat (a seat that I - not them- paid for). Should this be too politically incorrect, feel free to bump me over to first class and we’ll forget all about this little inconvenience. I’m fairly confident that this solution is agreeable with all my fellow Economy Class travelers.
8 – Please provide your flight crew with better training on how to operate the food and beverage cart. I would prefer they refrain from using my shoulder as a guardrail.
Please feel free to contact me so that we can discuss these points in great detail. I look forward to working with you.
Labels: vay-kay-shun
posted by Fe at 1:52 PM
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