Dispatches from Brazil: New Year's Resolution

The celebration of the New Year is taken very seriously in Brazil; after all, ensuring that the New Year will be a good one is serous business. Cultural etiquette demands white clothing (for peace), new underwear (red, for love), the eating of lentils and grapes at midnight (for money and prosperity). By not eating beef or chicken on the 31st, one guarantees that the New Year will never fall back on the old.

Búzios (small sea shells) and Tarot cards try to predict what lies ahead. Mães de Santo (the high Priestess of the Umbanda religion) divulge what deity will guide 2009 and what color to add to the white outfit that will please the gods in charge (when I was a teenager, went to a New Year’s party dressed in black. People didn’t know what to make of me). Getting the color right and incurring favors right off the bat is the best way to go in these situations. After all, the deity has a lot of people asking for stuff. The personality of the deity will also dictate what kind of year we have ahead of us, since they are technically in charge, so it's best not to piss them off.

Offerings are made to Iemanjá, the goddess of the water, the protector of sailors and children and also my very own personal guide, I’ve been told. Thousands of people go to the beach dressed in white with bouquets of yellow and white flowers. Iemanjá seems to like yellow. She also likes shiny things. Some bring elaborate boats filled with sweets and candles. An explosion of fireworks illuminates the sky at midnight, and marks the official start of the party season, that will end only on Ash Wednesday.

As for me, I thought it might be a good time to join with the throngs of people who make New Year resolutions. Sure, most of us expect to break them right away, but in a perfect world…

I’d like 2009 be a year of adventures. I’d like to push myself to do things I haven’t done. Things that I always wanted to do; things that scare me a little. I hope to broaden my horizons and be less concerned about me. While I’m still very fond of myself, I think it’s time to listen to other people. Who knows, there is always a (small) chance they’ll be right and I’ll be wrong. I also do need to get to the gym on a more regular basis. I need to be better about returning personal phone calls and I really should be more organized.

Of course I could just resolve to eat only bamboo sprouts, drink only warm water and listen only to tuba music. But what fun would that be?

Dispatches from Brazil: Un-Dead Chicken

Religion and mysticism are closely related in Brazil. Catholicism and the belief system brought by the African slaves back in the day, co-exist in a strange yet fascinating way.

One of the most prominent manifestations of the African religious traditions are the offerings to the gods and deities that can be seen all over the city. These consist of a mixture of food such as candy, pastries, fruit and grains, as well as booze, candles, and often the sacrifice of a black or brown chicken. The offerings are left on the street – frequently in the middle of the street – at a crossroads. It seems like some crossroads are better than others, perhaps because they are more easily accessible to the deity in question? I suppose you wouldn’t want to inconvenience the powers-that-be by making them go out of their way to pick up their goodies.

Driving home yesterday, we passed one of these offerings, but something was amiss. The scattering of grains and candy was usual for something that has been left in the street for a day or two. What was out of the ordinary was a live chicken eating an apple. When you’re used to seeing the chicken in the offering being quite dead, you have to wonder if it resurrected or something.

A chicken from the great beyond? Fascinating!

A zombie chicken? Can chickens even become zombies?

Sloppy craftsmanship on the part of the sacrificer? Probably not.

After eliminating other options such as vampire chicken (broad daylight), shape-shifter chicken (like really? Someone would change into a chicken on purpose?) werewolf chicken (aw, c’mon!), and plain un-dead chicken (too vague), it seemed like none of the scenarios added up to much.

As it turns out, this one was just an opportunistic chicken that happened to be wandering by a busy intersection and found itself upon a tasty apple and possibly though: “MMMMMM. Apple!”

This, among other things, is why Brazil is never boring.

Dispatches from Brazil - Open Letter to the Airline Industry

Dear Airline

In consideration of the services you provide to those of us suffering from Wander Lust, I wish to provide you with some observations based on my extensive use of your services in Economy Class.

1 – No children under 18 should permitted on any flight for any reason. If you take only one of my suggestions, this should be to one you should choose

Really.

Please?

Pretty please?

OK. If not an outright ban, can you at least put them in the cargo bay? Thanks!

2 – Those wishing to join the mile high club should do so in the privacy of the lavatory. Not in the seat right in front of me. I don’t care how discrete you think you are – I can HEAR IT, so cut it out!

3 – Speaking of lavatories, how about separating them by gender? Hovering over a urine drenched toilet while bouncing around in turbulence is very hard. Also, I believe that I speak for all women when I say that we prefer not to stand in piss when using the facilities. Please address.

4 – First class should be located at the rear of the plane, so that us poor folk don’t have to walk by the more fortunate and think very nasty thoughts about them and suppress the very strong desire to whack them with our carry-on. Everybody feels this way, no?

5 – Leg room should be allocated democratically. Those with long legs get more legroom.

5A – No short people should be allowed in the bulkhead rows (that’s that very roomy row up front where the short people seem to ALWAYS be seated). You may wish to employ a system akin to that used in amusement park lines, by providing the flight crew with a yardstick. Since I’m pretty sure yardsticks are very inexpensive, please arrange for implementation right away. Yardstick may be used to pry apart the transgressors in item #2.

6 – Individuals should have to prove to ground crew that they are capable of lifting their carry on above their head. If they can’t, the luggage must be checked. If they give the crew attitude, they should be checked along with their luggage, next to all the children (see item #1)

7 – Fat people must purchase 2 seats – because really, I don’t like to subsidize their air travel by taking fat spillage over to my seat (a seat that I - not them- paid for). Should this be too politically incorrect, feel free to bump me over to first class and we’ll forget all about this little inconvenience. I’m fairly confident that this solution is agreeable with all my fellow Economy Class travelers.

8 – Please provide your flight crew with better training on how to operate the food and beverage cart. I would prefer they refrain from using my shoulder as a guardrail.

Please feel free to contact me so that we can discuss these points in great detail. I look forward to working with you.